Didn’t make it.

Seventeen days. It’s further than I’ve gotten on a diet before.

I’m going to try nutrisystem in a week or two. Meal replacement worked pretty okay for me, though the meals in question were terrible. Weight Watchers was way too loosey-goosey for me at this point in the game. Maybe someday.

I don’t know if I’m going to blog more about my diet.

In other news, I’ve stopped seeing my therapist. I’m going to find another one.

Unrelated:

Little kids who act creep me out. Especially the ones who can’t actually act, they’re just ‘cute’ and can recite lines. While staring off stage and wearing the same stupid expression they always do. The “I don’t know what’s going on” smile. They look like weirdo corpse-like baby-dolls.

Can’t we just find people with growth disorders to play children? I’d be way more comfortable with that. Give the freaks somewhere to go. Leave the kids at home.

Day Seventeen

Plan for Today:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: vegetable stew (180), croutons (35-70)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: ravioli (180), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 965-700
Physical Activity: probably grocery shopping.

Today’s Results:
Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Snacks: Lots of shit I shouldn’t have had.
Total Calories: ?
Physical Activity: grocery shopping.

But, whatever. Some days, I’m just not going to care. I won’t feel bad about that.

Life goes on.

Plan for Tomorrow:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: vegetable stew (180), croutons (35-70)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: ravioli (180), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 965-700
Physical Activity: probably grocery shopping.

Day Sixteen

Plan for Today:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: vegetable stew (180), croutons (35-70)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: lasagna (250), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 1035-1070
Physical Activity: dunno.

Today’s Results:
Breakfast: none
Lunch: 1 savory chicken with usual fixins (365)
Snack: 5 nutter butter cookies (275)
Dinner: lasagna (250), toast (90)
Snack: vegetable stew (180), croutons (70)
Snack: gummi bears (330)
Total Calories: 1460
Physical Activity: none.

Fridays seem to be my “fuckit” days. Lots of crap. No shakes. Couldn’t care less today.

I’m in between projects and I’m bored. I spent some time playing co-op mode in a video game with a good friend of mine (and ex-boyfriend) and he was just being a total dickweed. Demanding, rushing, impatient. I’m not familiar with the game, I’m still learning how to do everything and, in fact, -what- to do. I only got the game two days ago, he’s been playing nearly nonstop for two weeks and makes it sound like I’m slacking off for not having done so.

Some people around here work, asshole.

Rrrr. Vent vent vent.

Plan for Tomorrow:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: vegetable stew (180), croutons (35-70)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: ravioli (180), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 965-700
Physical Activity: probably grocery shopping.

Day Fifteen

Plan for Today:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 ravioli (180), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 savory chicken (210) w. standard fixins (155)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 1115
Physical Activity: More snow.

Today’s Results:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 savory chicken (210) w. standard fixins (155)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 ravioli (180), pita (60)
Snack: chips (150), cookies (110), pb bar (160), croutons (35), pita (60)
Total Calories: 1460
Physical Activity: none.

Blah, blah, blah.

Found out today I was confused (or misinformed, whichever) about whether I could replace shakes with entrees; apparently, I cannot. I thought I could replace one a day but no dice. I need to use a cereal or two soups to replace one shake and both are less desirable than they could be.

Eh, whatever. Week three, starting off with a snacky bang.

Plan for Tomorrow:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: vegetable stew (180), croutons (35-70)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: lasagna (250), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 1035-1070
Physical Activity: dunno.

Day Fourteen

Plan for Today:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 vegetable stew  (150)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 lasagna (250), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 970
Physical Activity: Probably shoveling snow.

Today’s Results:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 vegetable stew  (140), croutons (30)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 lasagna (250), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170)
Snack: 2 chicken tenders, sauteed (170), pita w. tzatziki  (95)
Snack: 1 vegetable stew (140), croutons (70)
Total Calories: 1465
Physical Activity: Shoveled!

What a week it’s been. My deadline hit and went off without a hitch. It was brilliant and thank god because I really needed that. We got a lot of great feedback and even got some extra work done we hadn’t planned on to make it a little more spiff. This is very, very satisfying.

I ate a lot today but I’m amazed at how little I can consume, calorie-wise, without feeling totally bereft. It makes me think I could actually do this on my own if I had to, if for some reason this didn’t work out. I’ve found some tricks, too, that make the food a whole lot easier to get down. More and more all the time. I’m encouraged by that.

Group was cancelled this week so no weigh-in. We were supposed to get fourteen inches of snow but instead we got four inches of snow and two inches of rain and now we have  a solid four inches of fucking ice.

Pllllllllenty of physical activity for me, I guess. And there’s still more to do.

I don’t know what it is but the snow is really getting to me this year. Usually I don’t care one way or the other about the snow, it’s just something I’ve always dealt with. New England/mid-Atlantic winters are bitches and there’s no getting around that. But this year, I feel suffocated by it. It feels like it’ll never go away, never melt. There’s a constant collection of two feet of snow on my porch and a gradually narrowing path for me to get out of the house. Snow narrows everything, it seems. Closes in and piles up.

I hear we’re supposed to get more tomorrow. Makes me want to cry.

Plan for Tomorrow:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 ravioli (180), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 savory chicken (210) w. standard fixins (155)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 1115
Physical Activity: More snow.

Day Thirteen

Plan for Today:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 vegetable stew  (150)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 lasagna (250), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 970
Physical Activity: …?

Today’s Results:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 savory chicken (240), tikki masala sauce (60), pita with tzatziki (95)
Dinner: 1 lasagna (250), pita (60)
Snack: chips (75)
Snack: croutons (60)
Total Calories: 980
Physical Activity: Nothing.

OMFG SOOOOO TIRED.

*crash*

Zzz.

Plan for Tomorrow:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 vegetable stew  (150)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 lasagna (250), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 970
Physical Activity: Probably shoveling snow.

Day Twelve

Plan for Today:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 savory chicken (240)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 lasagna (250)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 1170
Physical Activity: We’ll see.

Today’s Results:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 savory chicken (240), tikki masala sauce (60), pita with tzatziki (95)
Dinner: 1 ravioli (180), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin, honey graham Bar (160)
Snack: croutons (30)
Total Calories: 1165
Physical Activity: Nothing.

I didn’t get anything done today. Well, a little. It’s a lull in the workload at the moment which is good because I haven’t been able to stay awake too well. I cashed out in my chair while holding my cat (he’s heavy, man, and warm) and then again with my face on the desk a little while later.

Diet went better today. I’m still not getting enough shakes in but I think I’m back on track. My coach says I’m supposed to have four shakes a day now. I don’t see that happening. I have a hard enough time getting the three in, as evidenced by the last several days.

Plan for Tomorrow:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 vegetable stew  (150)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 lasagna (250), pita (60)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 970
Physical Activity: …?

Day Eleven

Plan for Today:
Breakfast: 2 vanilla shakes (340), vitamin
Lunch: 1 mushroom risotto (240)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 lasagna (250)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 1170
Physical Activity: Still no fucking idea.

Today’s Results:
Breakfast: none
Lunch: 1 lasagna (250), pita (60)
Dinner: 2 savory chicken (420) w. tikki masala sauce (70), 2 pitas (120)
Snack: 1 half a butterfinger (135)
Total Calories: 1040
Physical Activity: I got nothin’. Too busy, too tired.

Ugh. Tired. But not totally unhappy. Work is not running the way I would like but it could be a lot worse. The Big Project is going… well. I guess we’ll just see where we are on Friday.

Plan for Tomorrow:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 savory chicken (240)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 lasagna (250)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 1170
Physical Activity: We’ll see.

Day Ten

Plan for Today:
Breakfast: 2 vanilla shakes (340), vitamin
Lunch: 1 savory chicken (210)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 mushroom risotto (240)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 1130
Physical Activity: Still no fucking idea.

Today’s Results:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 ravioli (180), toast (90)
Dinner: 1 savory chicken (210)
Snack: 1 chocolate bar (160)
Snack: 1 ravioli (180), toast (90), half a butterfinger (135), vitamin
Total Calories: 1215
Physical Activity: Nothing.

Did better today. Also worked a very long time. Have many thoughts, but am too tired to say more.

Must sleep.

Plan for Tomorrow:
Breakfast: 2 vanilla shakes (340), vitamin
Lunch: 1 mushroom risotto (240)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 lasagna (250)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 1170
Physical Activity: Still no fucking idea.

Day Nine

Plan for Today:
Breakfast: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 lasagna (150)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 ravioli (210)
Snack: 1 double vanilla shake (340), vitamin
Total Calories: 1040
Physical Activity: I have no fucking idea.

Today’s Results:
Breakfast: 1 shake (170), vitamin
Lunch: 1 lasagna (250), toast (90)
Dinner: 2 vegetable stew (300), toast (90)
Snack: I don’t even want to talk about it.
Total Calories: I can’t begin to guess.
Physical Activity: I carried some boxes to the car. Not really good work.

I fell off the wagon today. Gummi bears, chips, some chocolate. I do not feel good about it.

However, I promised myself at the beginning of this that I would not punish myself for days like this. I knew they would come and I knew I would have to suck it up the next day and start over. I said I wouldn’t punish myself for stepping outside the diet and I won’t and that includes not sabotaging myself with the continuance of unhealthy behavior.

And anyway, even with the extra snacking and calories, I probably didn’t do nearly as badly as I did on a daily basis before I started this diet. Everything I snacked on (except the candy) was low calorie food. I stopped myself, too, before I ate everything in sight. That’s an improvement over once-upon-a-time.

I think it’s stress eating. I’m under a lot of work-type pressure right now. We have a sudden and huge deadline we’re not ready for. My partner is tied up in a lot of other things right now so a lot of it is falling on my shoulders and I’m starting out already behind. It’s totally doable but it’s going to mean a lot of long and focused hours. Focus under pressure is not my strongest suit. So I get nervous and my hands want to do something. They turn to snacks.

Ugh.

I’ll do better tomorrow.

Plan for Tomorrow:
Breakfast: 2 vanilla shakes (340), vitamin
Lunch: 1 savory chicken (210)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake, flavored (170)
Dinner: 1 mushroom risotto (240)
Snack: 1 vanilla shake (170), vitamin
Total Calories: 1130
Physical Activity: Still no fucking idea.